For Men Only! Learn How to Validate Your Wife's Feelings

Ever wish your wife was not so emotional or get defensive when she accuses you of not caring enough for her, family or family responsibilities?

I spend a lot of time trying to help men see the value of listening to their wife or partner. This is probably a little extreme, but a typical conversation might go like this:

Wife: I am so mad that you came home so late last night. You tell me you will be home at a certain time, but you are always late. I can never trust what you say.

Husband: That’s not true. I’m not always late. What do you want from me. I have a job that requires me to entertain. I can’t control the time I get home. You are totally unreasonable and have no right to be angry at me.

The husband is not really listening to the feelings of his wife. He is anticipating what she is going to say and reacting defensively. Rather than validating her feelings, he is telling her she has no right to feel the way she does.

Let’s take a look at a way of talking where the husband validates his wife’s feelings:

Wife: I am so mad that you came home so late last night. You tell me you will be home at a certain time, but you are always late. I can never trust what you say.

Husband: I can see why you would be mad. You’re right. I know you are waiting for me to get home and underestimate how long I will be. I say I will be home earlier than I know I will be to avoid getting you upset. It backfires on me because it gets you more angry that I am not more honest about when I will get home. I am sorry I do that and understand why it makes you angry. I need to be more realistic about when I can get home and try to not work so many evenings.

This second example is a great way to respond for the following reasons:

* the husband validates his wife’s feelings. He tells her, ” I can see why you would be mad…”
* He takes responsibility for his behavior. He admits he tells her he will be home earlier, when he knows it is not true.
* He apologizes right away. He says, “I am sorry I do that…”
* And he shows empathy by saying “I understand why it makes you angry.”

Learning the skill of validation will help you build and maintain closeness and intimacy in the relationship that counts the most.

The Beginning of Couples Therapy: Mastering the Art of Listening and Speaking

A lot happens in the very beginning of couples therapy. I ask questions about why the couple is consulting with me, explain how I typically work, and then get started with the problem solving process. Most couples want to start with improving the way they communicate…

Learning to communicate better is a good place to start. Once a couple begins to talk with each other more comfortably and effectively, they can address problems on their own and therapy moves more quickly.

I help the couple learn and practice some of the basics about speaking and listening. There really is an art form to this process.

When speaking to a wife, husband or partner, it is important to use “I” statements. This means focusing mainly on what you think, feel and want in the relationship.

Here are some examples of this:

Speaker: I think the recent holiday visit with your family was hard for me. There were a lot of things going on and I don’t think I managed the demands very well. I think your mother noticed that I wasn’t feeling very good and maybe that made her feel uncomfortable too.

Listener: So, the visit with my family was hard for you and you weren’t feeling well…

Speaker: Yes, when I think back on it, I feel sad that I couldn’t be there more for you and your family. I guess I get overwhelmed easily in those types of situations and check out.

Listener: I understand that you felt sad and overwhelmed back then. I could see that was happening for you. It was a pretty tense situation, so it is understandable that you would have a difficult time. Anyone would have had trouble feeling comfortable and knowing what to do and say.
Speaker: I really want to handle those situations better, so I can be more supportive to you and feel comfortable myself with your family.

Listener: I hear you that you want to do better in those situations. How can I be helpful to you?

The speaker uses “I” statements and focuses on themselves…what they think, feel and want.

The listener reflects back to the speaker in a caring, but non-defensive manner. They show empathy, understanding and validation for the speaker’s feelings.

Working on these issues early in therapy is really essential to make any progress. I like to tell couples that if they can master this method of talking with each other, particularly when things get stressful, things can get better quickly.