Balance Your Fighting with More Joy, Compliments, and Passion for Each Other

Making marriage work these days is a complicated balancing act. It takes time to communicate, resolve conflict, raise children and manage the challenges of busy careers.

Marriage and family researcher, John Gottman, PhD and his research colleagues have had a huge influence on the course of marital and family therapy over the last twenty years. I use many of the marital satisfaction surveys they have created. They are very helpful to couples trying to identify and work on their problems.

His research has compiled huge amounts of data and increased our understanding of what helps and what hurts marriages. Rather than try to research a specific therapy method or style of marriage or family life, Gottman studied many marriages and families over several decades. He was able to begin to see what really worked for couples and their families.

The results of their research is found in Why marriages succeed or fail…and how you can make yours last. This is one of my top ten books to read to make your relationship better.

One of his major findings was that happy couples had a healthy balance between positive and negative feelings and actions towards each other. It wasn’t how much they fought or made love. It was how they balanced their fighting with touching, smiling, paying compliments, laughing–showing love and passion for one another. They found that the ratio of 5 to 1 positive interactions to negative interactions did the trick. These couples had a deeper, more satisfying marriage.

If you are fighting too much, it is a good idea to slow things down, learn to listen more, and increase the positive time together.

Working Through Stress Together Will Help You Build a Stronger Relationship

A marriage or any intimate relationship can be challenged by outside stress.

If you've had a bad day at work, or if your feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of earning a living these days, paying bills, and paying for college, it is a good idea to find time to share your feelings with your spouse.

Sharing these important thoughts and feelings will help your spouse feel important in your life and that their feedback really counts.

This John Gottman, PhD, scale helps you evaluate whether you and your spouse/partner are handling stress well or whether it is “spilling over” into your relationship in a negative way.

Answer the following questions:

* Do you help each other reduce the daily stress of life?
* Are you able to talk about this stress together?
* Is it helpful to both of you when you talk about these stress?
* Does your spouse/partner listen with understanding about your stress and worries?
* Do you find that your spouse/partner takes their job or other stress out on you?
* Does your spouse/partner take their job or other stress out on your children or others in your life?

So, what are you thinking about when you answer these questions.

Write down your thoughts and feelings in your journal.

Make notes of specific issues you want to talk about with your spouse.

Don’t put off having any conversation about these important issues.


Scales compliments of the Gottman Institute.

Emotional Intimacy: A Way to Remain Comfortably Close

Remaining connected emotionally to each other is the most important part of healthy relationship.

You can have a lot of money, great job, everything else going for you, but if your relationship is cold and distant, you will not be very happy.

The first area of your relationship to evaluate deals with whether you are staying connected emotionally or becoming distant.

Here are some of John Gottman’s marital evaluation scales for you to use to evaluate yourself and your relationship:

* Are you able to easily talk with each other?
* Do stay emotionally in touch with each other?
* Do you feel taken for granted?
* Does your spouse/partner know you well right now?
* Is your spouse/partner emotionally disengaged?
* Are you spending time together?

What are you answers to these questions?

If you are too distant, what can you do to get closer?

Don’t wait for your partner to warm up. Think about what you might be doing to keep her/him distant and do the opposite!

Are you asking for what you need and want? Or does it sound like a blaming tirade of all your partner’s weaknesses?

If it’s the latter, don’t be surprized when you remain stuck in a bad cycle of conflict.

Take the risk, hear your partner’s complaints as a need for a hug, or their distance as their being burned out and needing some extra support.

This will help you be closer and stay there longer.


Scales compliments of the Gottman Institute.