Pathway to love: Slow down, listen, and tune into your partner

Couples often are skeptical about their ability to slow down and listen to each other. They look at me with extreme doubt, as if to say, "really, who listens to their partner and then says, "...so what I hear you saying is...."More...

It's true that such a slow, deliberate and careful way of speaking to each other seems unnatural. Part of the reason may be that couples don't do this very much and so our brains are not used to communication style.

Also, the architecture of women and men's brains (read this, it's fascinating!) are different. Women's brains are geared towards expressive language, nurturing and a wholistic view of experience. On the other hand, men's brains are geared toward focused problem solving and a linear view of experience.

If you are a guy, how often have you been frustrated by your wife not listening to your solution to a problem you have?

It's likely she isn't looking for a solution and would rather you listen to her and explore a way of sharing your thoughts, feelings and wishes together.

Practice makes perfect and helps train the brain...it all gets easier the more you do it. Turning down the volume of conversations will help too. We can hear each other pretty well, if we feel like raising our voices, it is likely a time for a time-out. Have a cup of tea, do some breathing, then come back later to the conversation.

When I do these exercises in session with couples, they find that it is very helpful to reducing the levels of conflict and creating a warmer space for them to be with each other. There is a little hope that things can get better at home.

At the end of the communication exercise, I ask them to give each other feedback about what they liked about this new way of talking with each other. Here are some of the things that couples say:

"the way you expressed your feelings so directly"

"you listened carefully to what I was saying"

"I liked hearing you reflect back what I was saying to you"

"hearing my words reflected back gave me a chance to hear what I was saying...I could evaluate and clarify my words, so I could say what I really mean"

"when I was listening, I realized how much I would argue and try to win the debate, rather than really listen to what you were saying"

"I realized how much what I usually say is blaming...I am not really talking about what I think, feel and want...rather how much I try to make to blame for my unhappiness"

Using words connected to honest feelings is the only way to create an intimate relationship.